My White Vinyl Moment

The way they are replaying Jennifer Lawrence’s tumble from last night’s Academy Awards ceremony, you would think she had invented the move.

She did not.

Long before Ms. Lawrence was skinning squirrels in Winter’s Bone, women were wearing too high heels and too long gowns and tripping the light fantastic.  Ms. Lawrence wasn’t the first.  Heck, she wasn’t even the first to do it in pink.

I should know.

My first friend to get married.  My first time in a wedding.  My first trip down the aisle.


The decorators had rolled out the White Vinyl on top of the Red Carpet that led to the chuppah.  I was walking so very gracefully down the aisle, holding on the flowers, holding back the tears.  But the White Vinyl had become crooked and wrinkled.

One of the groomsmen decided my sashay would be an opportune moment to straighten the White Vinyl.  Perhaps he was imagining that old tablecloth trick?  The one where they pull out the tablecloth and leave the dishes undisturbed on the table?

But this kind of sleight of hand, it takes practice.  You wouldn’t get it right the first time.  You should not practice with the delicate china.  You should not practice with the osteoporotic me.

Despite my best surfer girl impression, I could not catch the gnarly wave.  It was a total wipe out.  A complete sand facial.

Everyone said it was the best part of the ceremony.  Just like they are saying Ms. Lawrence’s stumble was the pièce de résistance of the Oscars.

© 2013 Jaclyn Schrier. All rights reserved.

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