Dumpster Diving

As you may know, I am a rabid recycler.  Even before it was fashionable, I was a fanatic.

Maybe you have seen my home-based sorting center.  It rivals in scope many a big city waste management operation.

Heaven forbid these renewables should rot — or worse, not rot — in their final resting place when reincarnation to a second — or third — useful life awaits!

Alas, the Palo Alto curbside collection program does not meet my exacting standards.  So, when I happen to be in the neighborhood, I drop my convertible waste by the Stanford recycling center.  Such was the case this afternoon.

Feeling virtuous as I pitched my papers and plastics to their respective receptacles, I froze suddenly upon realizing I had deposited my magazines into the mixed paper bin.  Horrors!

In an instant, I found myself standing at the bottom of said dumpster.  The very bottom.  Besides me and my outdated New Yorkers, it was completely empty.

Somehow my body had taken flight.  I really don’t know how this could happen.  I can hardly hobble these days, much less hop.  But there I was and out I wanted.

Standing on tippy toes I could see, just barely, beyond my prison cell.  There were no workers, recyclers, or scavengers in sight to throw me a rope.  Not that I would know what to do with a rope, anyway.

I would just need to vault.  But there was no pole.  My crutches were in the car.  There was no cushion.  Only the hard pavement.  It’s OK, I told myself.  Just do it.  On the count of three…  One…  Two…  Three…  The moment came and went and I remained still like a statue.

Aha, I thought!  A better plan!  All I need to do is…

1.    A Salamba Sirsasana headstand
2.    Hinge my legs over the side
3.    Pull myself to a vertical sit-up
4.    Grab the top of the dumpster wall
5.    Lift myself to be seated on the edge
6.    Gently lower myself to the ground

So simple!  Why didn’t I think of it in before?  Why?  I’ll tell you why.  Because the days of my pretzel yoga party tricks are long past.  The only asana I can manage lately is Savasana, more commonly known as the corpse pose.  That’s why.

In a desperate situation, dignity is the first thing to go.  Imagine the sight and sound of a puppy climbing out of a box.  Whimper.  Claw.  Flop.  Slide.  Yelp.

© 2014 Jaclyn Schrier. All rights reserved.