Staying Frosty

My thermostat’s busted.  It’s a medical thing.  Always I am cold.  Three hundred and sixty five days a year I am cold.  But today I am especially cold.  Exceptionally cold.

Never mind that it is sunny and 56° outside.  This information, it doesn’t make me to feel any warmer.

I am wearing four layers.  It is not enough.  So I get into bed, adding three more — flannel sheet, Polartec blanket, feather comforter.  It is still not enough.

So I get the portable space heater.  I fumble both knobs to the maximum and I aim it directly it at my core.  But even this is not enough.

So I take the space heater and I put it on the bed.  Then I think better and I put it under the covers.  Finally, a hint of relief.

It would be at least ten minutes before I could hope to fully feel my fingers or toes, much less make them bend, wiggle, or grasp.  Still, the shivering soon ceases and I feel grateful to have averted a full-blown attack.

The crazy thing is that an article in the latest edition of The Atlantic describes people who make themselves cold in an effort to lose weight.  They make themselves cold.  On purpose, they make themselves cold!

They wear ice vests.  Can you imagine?  Ice vests!

The idea is that in order to maintain a normal temperature, the body would need to expend more energy and therefore burn more calories.  The inventor claims 250 calories an hour.  Compared to the 2,500 calories burned for running an entire marathon —

That doesn’t seem right.  An entire marathon and you don’t even lose one pound?  Clearly I am wasting my time at the gym.

Anyway, I am thinking maybe to design a heated vest.  But then I remember the dreaded incident of the heated mattress pad.  All over my body, third-degree burns in the double helix pattern of the heating coils.

Frostbite or contact burns?  Hmm.

© 2015 Jaclyn Schrier. All rights reserved.

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